On Sunday, November 20th I woke up with the intention of getting some things done around the house, many of which I’d put off for months.

I read the item, “Replace duct cap in yard’s northwest corner.” Then I heard, “Man, that will take forever and I want to play Just Dance 2 with my kid instead.”

I read the item, “Install hook and eye type ‘lock’ on pantry door.” Then I heard, “Man, that will take forever and I want to read instead.”

I read the item, “Prepare spring bulbs for winter storage.” And then, you guessed it, I heard the same over-exaggerated time to completion and what I’d rather be doing.

That’s when it hit me: I was putting off all these less-than-15 minute tasks because I perceived doing them right then and there would take up so much time I wouldn’t be able to do anything “fun” that day. When in reality not one of those repairs / maintenance would take me longer than 15 minutes (each) to complete.

Now, I thought I’d absorbed the idea of perception stunting focus and fueling procrastination back when I read Getting Things Done. But not until I actually caught myself in the act did I really get it. So I completed all six repair / maintenance items in under two hours. Not only that, I also completed the fall clean up / garden prep I’d wanted to do weeks earlier but kept putting off. You see, once I was in the act of doing, I didn’t want to stop. Forward motion and all that. Pretty cool, huh?

And wouldn’t you know it, that Monday, temps dropped and it rained. If I would’ve procrastinated on those items, even just one more day, the work would’ve been a lot more muddy (and cold!) and a lot less fun.

Here’s my two cents: When you find yourself reading (and re-reading) your “To Do” list, really tune into your self-talk. What do you hear? What reasons are there for not doing that thing right then? Are they factual reasons? Or simply made up excuses? Don’t let yourself off the hook either; dig into what you’re telling yourself, and why.

I’ve been doing this the last few weeks, and it’s working! Whenever I hear myself saying, “Ahh, I can do that tomorrow,” or “I need to do that,” I ask myself why I can’t do it right then. If the answer is a load of malarkey then I do the task straight away.

Obviously certain tasks and projects cannot be done the moment you think of them but many can, even if it’s just the first step. For example, “Get new tires” has been on my list since summer. But it wasn’t until I took the first step, “make calls for price quotes,” that I made progress. And on Saturday, December 10th I marked “Get new tires” off my list.

Remember, most things are not as complicated as we – our thoughts – make them out to be. If we can stop that Inner Drama Queen (or King) from blowing things out of proportion there will be a much higher tendency to do that thing today instead of tomorrow or next week or when we have more time to think about the “best” way.

Photo credit: Rphotos

The principle first caught my attention while reading Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, and then again reading the Good Vibe blog. At first I thought, “Pfft! That’s easy.” Then I dug deeper and realized “doing nothing” meant no reading, no writing, no gardening. Whoa. “They” really mean nothing.

I’ll admit not writing down my thoughts and observations is going to be hardest of all. My kid will be joining me as well. We’re starting out small – one hour – and after that we’ll practice daily for 15-20 minutes. An interesting exercise in being present that I hope teaches us both something.

Photo credit: Aron Hsiao

Many of the experts on happiness say that being happy is a choice; that it is a decision you make every morning, that today ‘I am going to be happy’. But how is it some people manage to have that inner contentment and others struggle to put a smile on their face? I have asked thousands of people what makes them happy or unhappy and have discovered certain repeating themes: People feel happy when they have a fulfilling relationship, a career they love, great health and energy and variety of interests.

Often those people have a positive attitude to life and they see challenges as opportunities to learn and grow. Here are seven keys which can help you experience more joy and happiness in your life. Read the full article here.

While I agree with most of what Inna writes in her article, I would like to add the possibility of happiness is there even when you do not have everything you want in life. It’s the rough patches where you need your dedication to being happy the most. The biggest key is to make the decision to be happy…it’s that simple. Focus on the positive, practice active gratitude, and tackle each “problem” as an opportunity and not some insurmountable obstacle.

Photo credit: Doriana S.

To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

My Inner Critic is mentioned a time or two on this blog, and I really am doing better at keeping him quiet, for the most part. Duct tape helps. For some reason though the external negative criticism has increased to fill the void left by the internal. What the cuss? Now, I most certainly cannot control what others say or write about me. But the way I allow my brain (and, let’s be honest here, my heart) to process that external negative criticism is within my control.

So, how do I handle negative criticism and the Negative Nelly who gives it?

First, I remind myself to stay calm. Human nature and socialization have conditioned me to react rather than respond. Therefore, I make sure to listen carefully to the words being used. Without interrupting, I allow them to finish their critique.

Second, I ask for clarification on the message I received. Communication is complex and involves different components, many of which are subjective. Making sure what I heard is what they actually said can be tricky but it’s vital to clear communication.

Third, I evaluate the message’s validity. Does what this person said have merit? Do they speak the truth with factual evidence? Or are they merely ranting and only present a critique based in emotions? True self-awareness is a required tool for this evaluation.

Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth without destroying his roots.

Fourth, after I’ve evaluated their message, I respond based on logic and not emotion. In other words, just the facts ma’am. However, if they are using negative criticism to put me down, make me feel bad or any other type of emotional hijack*, my response is, “I don’t agree with how you’re speaking to me and I don’t deserve it.”

Finally, I listen as they [hopefully] respond [versus react] and work toward a resolution with which we are both satisfied, if possible. Most times a Negative Nelly just wants to bring me down to Miseryville with them and could care less about giving constructive criticism or feedback. In those instances, a resolution may not be do-able.

*End Note: Many experts believe all forms of negative criticism are in fact verbal abuse and should not be tolerated, whether it’s a business relationship or a personal one. If you feel you’re being verbally abused, simply respond along the lines of, “Yikes! I don’t care to hear that kind of talk.” Or, “Stop! Don’t talk to me like that.” Most abusers (read chronic criticizers) don’t realize what they’re doing is abuse.

For more information on verbal abuse, read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans or visit the web site.

How do you handle negative criticism? Since it’s still November, and my last two posts are about gratitude, are you thankful for negative criticism?

Remember, I’m not referring to constructive criticism or feedback, which is given in an effort to help another person improve or grow.

Photo credit: Rune Spaans

But it is in those troubled moments – the times when you’re pushed to the limits of your ability to cope – that gratitude is needed most.

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful. ~ Buddha

When you can’t pay your bills, be thankful. If your car won’t start and you’ll be late for work, be grateful. Are you exhausted from working 14 hours straight? Be thankful! For in those instants life is offering you a choice: transform your problem into an opportunity for gratitude (and so much more) or drown in a sea of self-pity and sorrow.

So what’s to be thankful for when you’ve run out of money and can’t buy food for another three days?

Do you have a place to sleep? How about clothes to wear while you work a job to earn more money to buy food? Are your legs able to carry you to a soup kitchen to grab a free meal? And the biggest reason to be grateful? Well, you’re alive aren’t you? Every day you’re breathing means you still have the opportunity to improve your life.

Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot. ~ The Hausa of Nigeria

It’s super easy to lose yourself in the details of the obstacle with which you’re faced – to not see the forest for the trees – but, ultimately, it’s your choice to either accept the circumstance or change it. And the ability to use gratitude as a tool to cope is a skill anyone can (and should) learn. Once you’ve learned it, gratitude becomes second nature; it becomes a part of who you are.

When you hit a roadblock along your journey, be thankful for…

(1) The opportunity to test your inner strength and perseverance.

(2) The opportunity to slow down and reassess the path you’re on. Many journeys require us to take an unexpected turn, change directions, and even jump over to a different path altogether.

(3) The fact that nothing is permanent and this too shall pass. That is, if you choose action over intention.

(4) The fact that your current obstacle isn’t bigger, deeper, wider. Can’t buy those cute $200 shoes the fashionistas rave about? Well someone in your community can’t buy their kid a winter coat. Things could always be worse.

(5) The fact that you’re still alive.

In other words, when life gives you lemons, be thankful! After all, there’s a lot you can do with lemons given a positive attitude and creative thinking.

Photo credit: Marinela Prodan

The below article is reprinted with permission.
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Vampire Thinking Tricksters
by Carol Gignoux, M.Ed.

I recently coined a concept called Vampire Thinking. Vampire Thinking is the compulsion we all have to suck the juice right out of our possibilities and opportunities. Instead of acting on a good idea, we excel at finding a slew of reasons we should kill it as soon as possible and move on to continuing our “safe” existence. I’m sure you can relate to this idea because you engage in vampire thinking more frequently than you know. How often do you talk yourself right out of what you really want in order that you may choose for the safe option? And your reasons? Silly and ridiculous?

Like all successful vampires, vampire thinking has a lot of tricks up its sleeve, which most people never notice. These tricks, however, are the true disguises worn by vampire thinking and they are important to recognize if we want to fend them off. So we’re going to take the masks off the vampire tricksters and see what they are really up to.

How many of these Vampire Thinking Tricksters can you recognize in YOUR repertoire of behaviors? Be aware! The more honest you are here, the better your chances to save what you’ve been squandering and retrieve lost opportunities!

Can’t ‘Cause I’m Not Sure

“Well, I would do it if I could be sure it was the right thing or I could be sure it would work.” We can hardly be sure we will take our next breath, let alone do things guaranteed to succeed. Being sure is just a smoke screen called: “I would rather hide from what I am capable of.” We know there are no guarantees. We think we’re being smart about our choices, when what we are really doing is shrinking from our responsibilities and hiding from our true gifts and talents. We’re unwilling to take risks. We like things that we feel we have control over and that are predictable. We have bought into the lie that says we are safer that way.

The question begging to be asked is: “How can we be safer when shrinking and shirking means we have less of everything?”

Striving to Always Be Right

Many of us find it very important to engage in “I’m right and you’re wrong” thinking. There’s something about being right that feeds our ego and our need to compete in the pecking order around us. BUT, this is a perfect example of a vampire trickster at work because being right robs us of the opportunity to learn and grow. Being right actually restricts our ability to develop naturally because all of our energy and our focus goes into being right. We don’t ask questions because we may be wrong, and we don’t allow ourselves to risk making mistakes. All of our creative thinking is spent on propping ourselves up to ensure our being right prevails at all costs and at all times.

Have you ever noticed that the most successful among us have also failed more times than they have succeeded?

Looking Good at All Costs

This is a very popular trickster move that can quickly turn into a habit. Its basic vampire thinking premise is to always do whatever we must do to not look bad. If we have to lie, cheat, steal (even on a small scale) we will do what it takes to look good. Of course many unethical, unlawful, and harmful things are done in the name of looking good. There are also many less obvious and smaller scale actions that we take regularly such as telling little white lies, exaggerations, misrepresentations, gossip, and putting down or competing with others all to make ourselves look better. What we gain from these behaviors is the illusion that we look good to others. What we sacrifice is honesty with ourselves and others. This behavior is like winding poison strings throughout our life and damaging our potential.

Can’t Make a Decision

“I wish I could decide but I just can’t so I guess I won’t do it.” In this trickster thinking, the person tries to take themselves off the hook by backing down as the safe thing to do since they can’t decide. If you look at this reasoning you can easily see the flaws and the smoke and mirrors in this way of thinking. Of course you can decide – unless you are too busy coming up with all of the reasons why you shouldn’t do it! This is classic vampire thinking.

Justifying My Actions and Rationalizing My Behavior

These are the more obvious tricksters we are used to doing business with. Justifying and rationalizing are the excuses and so-called “causes” we use every day in the place of growth steps and taking the right actions: “I was sick,” “I was depressed,” “I was tired,” “I was too busy,” “It was too late,” “It wasn’t my fault,” “I had an emergency,” ” I tried,” ” I didn’t write it down,” “They don’t care anyway,” “It makes me uncomfortable,” and on and on and on. Those excuses continually rob us of opportunities to do good things in the world for ourselves and others. And because they are so commonly used and accepted, we have lost our awareness of them and the thieves they are.

Is there a day that goes by when you don’t justify your behavior or actions either to yourself or to others? I doubt it. Do yourself a favor and count the times you rationalize in a day and the times you rationalize in a week and see what number you come up with. Then look at that number of cowardly acts and “copping out” choices as the number of good acts you were not able to do for yourself and others as a result.

Ask yourself these questions:

1) On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is this to me?
2) How long am I willing to continue to sacrifice what is most important to me?
3) Who would I be if I stopped making excuses for myself?
4) What would I have if I ceased rationalizing and justifying my behavior?
5) What am I willing to do RIGHT NOW to stop?

I wish you luck as you uncover and expose the Vampire Thinking Tricksters that are sucking the fun and satisfaction from your life every day. I wish you the courage to face the Vampire Thinking Tricksters squarely and bravely and put them in their place! All the richness, variety and spoils of the life you’ve been avoiding await your courage and determination. You can let go of these sucking pests and live boldly by YOUR rules – not theirs!

AUTHOR BIO: Founded by Carol Gignoux, ADD Insights, LLC is devoted to helping people with ADHD live confidently and well. Her passion is to provide services that transform the lives of people with ADHD. Carol and her team of experts specialize in coaching teens and adults who want to move beyond their issues with ADHD, and develop the skills and confidence to achieve better results in their academic, professional, and personal lives.

Carol Gignoux is well established as an expert within the ADHD coaching, consulting and training profession with over 35 years experience working with ADHD and over 16 years as a professional coach. She is a Licensed Certified Financial Coach and is trained as an Executive Coach. She has worked with executives and managers to create high functioning, successful businesses locally as well as nationwide.

Presently, Carol is writing a book and working with her clients to help them break through their barriers quickly so they may start living the life they deserve. You can contact Carol by emailing her at Carol@addinsights.com or by phone at 617-524-7670.

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Did you enjoy this article? Read more on Carol’s blog.
Carol Gignoux / ADD Insights, LLC on: LinkedIn | Twitter | Facebook

Original article source: SelfGrowth.com
Photo credit: Prana Film

For some people the traditional way of thinking works. It motivates them to strive harder and suffer longer, all in the name of success (as defined by them, of course).

While others – so scared of the f-word – become paralyzed and, thus, fail due to their inability to take the first step. Crazy, huh?

Here’s my humble suggestion: fail, and fail miserably.

Imprisoned by perfectionism for nearly 30 years, it’s not easy to write those words. And even more difficult to put them into action. Nonetheless, the past nine months have taught me: It’s okay to fail. Doing so doesn’t mean you’re “bad.” It doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of success (however you define that word).

But, if you don’t fall on your face at least once, you’ll never learn what works and what doesn’t work for your particular situation. You won’t learn new ways to do things, maybe better ways. A great quote states, “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten.”

Failure is an opportunity, not a problem. Step back and re-evaluate:

1. The goals you want to achieve
2. The process you use to reach those goals
3. The timeframe you’ve set
4. And how you will measure success versus failure

So, to anyone who’s reviewing their 2010 resolutions / goals / dreams and notices a lot of “failures” piling up, you’re not alone. The next post will continue this discussion as I figure out where my creative energies will be directed over the next three months. Here’s a hint: Focus on one story or review at a time.

Finally, it’s important to note, failure to meet one’s goals and missed deadlines are entirely different. Missed deadlines do (and will) affect your credibility and worth, especially in a business environment. The hardest part to figure out is how to meet work deadlines and achieve personal goals at the same time. It’s all about balance, which eludes many, including me.

Still, I won’t give up!

Photo credit: Dylan Parker

It’s simple really — balance.

Now, not being the most coordinated person anyway, finding an acceptable balance in my life hasn’t been easy. At first it was, “How do I balance singlemomdom with employment?” Then it was, “How do I balance singlemomdom and self-employment?” Later on I started asking, “How do I balance singlemomdom, self-employment and university?” And as the years progressed I also wanted to fit in homeschooling, writing, homeownership, and a personal life.

When you look at everything you want to do it can overwhelm and discourage you.

Don’t let it!

You see, the key to life-work balance is: priorities. No matter how much we want to, or how much we think we can, we cannot do it all. We can have it all but we just can’t do everything on our own. Therefore, it’s crucial to examine your “To Do” list or “Goals” list or whatever type of list you have, to make sure you’re doing what you truly want to do.

Here are my priorities in order of importance:

1. Myself – This includes my ongoing education (we should all strive to learn something new on a daily basis); my physical needs (food, hygiene, etc.); and my emotional needs (writing, reading, movies, socializing, etc.)
2. My Daughter – This includes her education; her physical needs (food, hygiene, etc.); and her emotional needs (art, playtime, outdoor activities, socializing, etc.)
3. Our Family - This includes being there for family and friends if and when they need us. But it also includes making time in a busy schedule to just hang out. Side note: Our six cats are included here as well.
4. Our Home – This includes all the not-so-fun junk like doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom. However, it also includes the fun stuff like mowing and gardening.
5. Giving Back – I feel quite passionate about the need to give back or pay it foward, however you want to phrase it. This ties into my belief that we manifest what we put out into the world. So if we send positivity and good deeds then we’re bound to create the same for ourselves.

Wait a minute, I didn’t include a career or a job or work anywhere in my priority list, did I?

And for good reason.

Work is not a priority for me. It is a means to an end. I work to pay the bills acquired whilst maintaining my priorities (food, mortgage, cat supplies, field trips, etc.) and I don’t give “work” any more power in my life than that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my day job, but it is not my life.

I work to live; I do not live to work.

We’ve all been programmed to work, work, work. But for what? To accumulate large amounts of money – or debt depending on your finance savvy – for our family members to enjoy once we kick off? Hmm…something seems off with that picture to me. Why in the world would I want to waste my best years working and stressing and constantly looking at the future just to have a nest egg or no mortgage when I’m 65 or 70?

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘WOW! What a Ride!’ ~Unknown

Once you nail down what’s really important – what’s vital to your happiness and living the life you want to live – finding a good balance is just a matter of tracking your daily routine to pinpoint time sucks and designing a flexible time management plan based on your wants and needs. Sadly, I could use about 7 more hours each day to complete every single item on my daily list, and that’s why I wrote “flexible time management plan.”

Balance is not a static thing. How could it be? Life is dynamic and you have to work within life’s constraints. Sometimes you’re in balance and sometimes you’re not. No biggie unless you get stuck in the unbalanced phase. Remember how to get back to the place you want to be – balanced and happy – and life’s little curve balls won’t be as hard to rebound from.

Are you living a balanced life?

WEB RESOURCES

“6 Ways to Help Create Balance in Your Life” by Karl Rogan

“How to Give Yourself More Time and Space” by Mike Robbins

For me, as long as I pay close attention to my thoughts and inner voice, I do not have many lapses into negativity or self-doubt. Another area where I have few problems is confidence. The first 21 years of my life were filled with shyness, insecurity, jealousy and all the other bedfellows of people lacking confidence. There were countless reasons for my low self-esteem, none of which further this post’s objective so I won’t go into detail, but one day enough was enough.

I took a really long, hard look at myself and realized I was way more than I gave myself credit.

From that day forward I refused to be insecure. I refused to let fear dictate my path through life. And I refused to care what anyone else thought about me. The emotional freedom one experiences when the chains of conformity are broken is indescribable. I can only liken it to the feeling I get after tearing off a turtleneck that choked my neck and at which I constantly tugged and pulled. It’s being able to breathe without the weight of someone else’s approval around my neck.

Nowadays, when I look in the mirror I see everything I like about myself instead of every single imperfection my ego can dig up and pick apart. I make mistakes but I don’t dwell on them. If I’m not in the now then I’m planning for the future and ways to make those nows even better. I only look back to evaluate and learn from my past mistakes and failures. And until I read the below article I never really thought my self-confidence had anything to do with my ability to cope, adapt, be happy and move forward.

Everyone deserves to be a truly confident person; I think the majority just don’t know how to be that person. Hopefully, the following article will help you see the ways to do so.

The below article is from the 4/21/2010 edition of the Self Growth newsletter.
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7 Attributes of the Truly Confident Person
by Elaine Sihera

A lot of people might believe they are confident, depending on how they feel on any given day. But confidence is not a fleeting thing that is here today and takes a holiday tomorrow. Confidence is all pervasive. It shows itself in every aspect of our lives: the way we view ourselves, perceive our world, approach crises, the way we treat others, our readiness to exercise compassion and forgiveness, and, most important, the way we treat ourselves.

True confidence is an incredible feeling because it has a few key attributes embedded in it, seven of them, in fact, which are the hallmarks of the truly confident person. You cannot say you are confident unless you score highly on each of those seven aspects.

1. Self-Love
This is the first crucial attribute. If you have no self-love, you have no confidence because this is at the heart of confidence: self-love and self-acceptance, which then decide our self-esteem. It is not possible to be happy and confident yet dislike our bodies or ourselves. Any lack of self-love is a prelude to misery and dissatisfaction with our lot. Happiness begins from within and when we love ourselves and do not seek the approval of anyone, we are halfway to real contentment and the next key attribute, self-belief.

2. Self-Belief
With self-love comes amazing self-belief in what is truly possible. The Universe is our limit, as we become unstoppable and fearless. People who think highly of themselves do not see barriers to achievements or obstacles in their paths. Anything which blocks their journey can be removed because confident people already believe they have the tools to remove those blocks. They can cope with crises too because they believe they can. That is the main difference between a confident and a fearful person: one believes they have the power to affect their life, whereas the other person looks to others to do it for them.

3. Comfort in Themselves
Confident people are happy in their own skin. They love who they are, they do not wish to be anyone else and they seek no one’s approval to be whom they wish to be. That is a sure sign of a strong sense of belonging and personal security. Even when there is a setback, they know it is only temporary and they will be back in action again because they value themselves and their talents, regardless of what other people think. They tend to do what they please without following the fashion or being lemmings. Being natural leaders, they tend to set the pace for others and to inspire them.

4. Self-Awareness
Confident people know their limitations and their potential. That is because they do not sit and dwell on their weaknesses, like people of low esteem. They identify their strengths and nurture them while acknowledging their weaknesses as important to their personality. They are fully aware that the unique beings they are is the result of BOTH their strengths and weaknesses, so they do not dwell on the negative aspects of their personality. They know what makes them happy and sad. Being leaders and optimists, they are more assured in their direction and objectives because they understand who they are and what they want, which is the first key step to boosting achievement and personal development.

5. Fearlessness
Confident people tend to be pioneers, fearless in their approach and their actions. It is not that they do not have the usual fears of survival. What they don’t have is the limiting and paralyzing fears regarding simply living their life to the utmost which plague insecure and non-confident people. Those with high self-esteem are keen to get on with it so they tend to act first and be afraid later! Willing to take risks and to make sacrifices, they have very little fear in living their life to the max.

6. Experiment
Really confident people love to experiment, to try out new situations, innovate and create. They are always pushing the boundaries of their talents because of their self-belief. Unlike people of low esteem, confident ones do not care about making mistakes, because they know that’s how they learn and grow. They are not worried about being wrong, but at arriving at a solution or a different result, no matter how many times they have to change their approach. They recognize that mistakes are part and parcel of success on their personal journey. Failure is not in their vocabulary and so they will achieve their desires no matter how long it takes, because they have the tenacity, self-belief and determination to keep trying even when many others have given up.

7. Happiness
Confident people are truly happy with their life. It doesn’t mean they are never sad. It means that if they are down it lasts very briefly and then they are back up again. They know they can always do something else and change the result. People of low esteem always blame themselves and reinforce that with even poorer thoughts of their abilities, so they stay in the doldrums much longer. They are not truly at peace so they take the knocks badly. Confident people know that setbacks are temporary and all they need to do is brush themselves off and start over again, while keeping their eye on their goals. Above all, being contented with themselves and their bodies, confident people tend to be truly happy, approachable, often cheerful and with a ready smile.

How confident are you? Why not try our confidence quiz?

AUTHOR BIO: Elaine Sihera is the most noted and quoted British woman on the Internet, being the world authority on emotional health. Nicknamed Ms CYPRAH (or Cyber-Oprah by admirers), Elaine is the first Black graduate of the UK’s pioneering Open University and a postgraduate of Cambridge University.

A qualified senior high school teacher and former education manager, magazine editor and equality consultant, she is the prolific author of six books and nearly 1100 articles on emotional health, self-empowerment, career advancement and people management.

An Internet agony aunt, freelance broadcaster and columnist, Elaine is also the Change Expert for http://www.fiftyforward.co.uk/change.php, being a very keen advocate of changing perceptions on aging and boosting people’s feelings about themselves.

Elaine enjoys her work very much by living to purpose and in line with her own advice. She believes a smile and laughter are the best medicines and does not take herself too seriously too often. She is divorced with two kidults, Andre and Nicole.

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Are you truly confident? Or do you lack one or more of the seven attributes?

What stops you from being a truly confident person?

Normally, the personal events in a celebrity’s life are of little interest to me. But this morning, when I read an article by a woman with an atypical viewpoint (at least to me), the situation really got me thinking about the concept of forgiveness.

Hate is something I’ve always avoided in my life. That old saying is 100% accurate: Hate is a poison that infects your life with nothing but negativity. I hate no one. However, living love hasn’t made it any easier to learn and practice spiritual forgiveness, the kind of forgiveness good for the soul. After I read the article (below) this morning, I sat in silence for about twenty minutes just thinking. Wondering…

Along with forgiveness, a healthy dose of acceptance could be in order. Why do humans seem to want to punish everyone for every mistake they make? We are so quick to label people “bad” or “wrong.” We hold those we love to an even stricter level of accountability. And why do we expect different from a species that demonstrates the same behavior over and over again? Isn’t that the definition of insanity?

Just something to think about…

Perhaps, instead of forcing round people into a square life, society should allow individuals the freedom to explore different possibilities and alternate consequences for those who can’t, for example, sit comfortably in a 50-year monogamous relationship. It’s quite possible that Jesse James loves Sandra Bullock as much as he claims but cannot stop his attraction to other women.

I don’t agree with his deception and lying to cover the affair(s); however, life can be really hard when you’re living untrue to your wants, needs and desires. This also calls into question the individual’s definition of love, and their ability to separate love and sex, which is another timeless debate. And that is why it is extremely important to marry a person with whom you share similar beliefs and wants.

For the record, I’m not religious, so I don’t buy into the Bible and all its rules and judgments and intolerance. I’m also not the average person who believes lifelong monogamy is the key to successful marriages. The key to a successful marriage is – in my opinion – friendship, respect and shared passion. With friendship comes the necessary trust, honesty and communication required of any strong relationship. With respect comes the motivation to give 100% to the friendship and remain loyal to the elements of its foundation. And with shared passion comes the must-have connection to one’s dreams, wants and desires, which will bring the couple together and unite them in a quest to live life and not let it live you.

Life’s too short.

There are too many different kinds of people and ways of thinking for there to be only one way to do things “right.” Figure out what works for you, find someone who agrees with the way you do things, and live happily ever after. Stop making YOU fit LIFE and make LIFE fit YOU.

When you’re living the life you want to live, your path is not as hard to navigate and obstacles are much easier to overcome.

The below article is from the 4/12/2010 edition of the Self Growth newsletter.
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Betrayal, Forgiveness and Jesse James
by Karen Bentley

America’s sweetheart, Sandra Bullock, recently moved out of the house she shared with bad boy husband, Jesse James, after allegations surfaced that James carried on an 11-month affair with tattoo model, Michelle Bombshell McGee. Oh my goodness, what’s the world coming to? If Bullock doesn’t have what it takes to keep a man faithful, who does? After all, Bullock is rich, smart, and enormously successful. Oh, and she also has a perfect body and a perfect face, the kind men swoon for.

After getting caught with his pants down, so to speak, an upset James responded with a public statement. “There is only one person to blame for this whole situation,” he said, “and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.” Click on any talk show and you’ll hear the same question over and over. Should our beloved Sandra forgive the dastardly Jesse? And if yes, then what are the steps towards forgiveness that need to be taken?

As we explore the concept of forgiveness, the most important thing to keep in mind is that there’s a radical difference between the popular social version of forgiveness we all know and practice and the uncompromisingly spiritual version of forgiveness, which is still a mystery to most Earthlings. One type of forgiveness makes you feel bad about self or another. The other one makes you feel good. A quick and easy way to tell the difference is to do an experiment in your own life. Try both methods and see which one makes you happier.

First, let’s take a look at the social forgiveness conventions around infidelity. Typically, forgiveness is only extended and accomplished when a set of certain mandatory conditions are met, and which may involve a rather extended period of time. The person to be forgiven must admit his or her badness or wrongness and must express genuine remorse. Then he or she must apologize. This apology might need to be repeated several times – perhaps the remainder of life. And lastly, he or she must vow to never be unfaithful again. Adulterers get bonus forgiveness points if they come up with a plan of action to prevent future problems from cropping up, such as marital counseling, sex rehab, or other prescriptive activities.

Even after the unfaithful spouse does all this jumping through hoops and posturing, the spouse doing the forgiving is still not socially obligated to forgive. After all, a breach of the exclusive love contract is a grievous assault! The wronged spouse has the option of staying hurt and offended for as long as subjectively deemed appropriate. Ultimately, forgiveness can be denied. Forgiveness can be delayed. Additional acts of contrition can be demanded to make up for the pain and humiliation of betrayal. The adulterer’s infidelity can be brought up as frequently as desired and as long as desired, even if the requisite “I forgive you” words have been expressed. This is the treachery that routinely passes for forgiveness of infidelity in our culture and in many others.

Ultimately the social version of forgiveness is a waste of time and totally dysfunctional because it doesn’t undo the hate in the mind of either spouse. Instead, it keeps hate alive and ever-present. Judgment of an adulterer as a bad person is a lethal but unrecognized form of hate. This hatefulness is more than just socially acceptable. Rather, the collective practice of judging adulterers to be the swarmiest rats of the world is socially desirable and actively encouraged!

Contrary to popular belief, however, there is no such thing as “good” hate, which is justified and warranted, and “bad” hate, which is unfair and never justified. Hate is hate, and it blocks happiness. Always. Here’s how it works. The adulterer judges self as bad and feels guilt, which is self-hate. The wronged spouse judges the adultering spouse as bad and feels anger, which is hate of another. Hate makes you unhappy whether it’s directed towards self or another.

That’s the bummer of it all. We think we can secretly hold hate in our mind for another, but unfortunately the hateful thought bites you in the ass and sooner or later gets used against self. Maybe it makes you sick. Maybe it makes you afraid. Maybe it rattles you so badly you can’t do what you need to do in life. Only love can make you happy, and love is experienced whenever hateful thoughts are neutralized and undone.

Spiritual forgiveness is different from social forgiveness because it neutralizes and undoes the hateful thoughts in your mind. It requires a tiny willingness to change the desired outcome. The goal of social forgiveness, as everyone knows, is to get something, and that something could be retribution, justice, power over another, the fulfillment of demeaning conditions, and maybe a dose emotional pain and punishment thrown in for good measure.

Whereas the goal of spiritual forgiveness is to be something, and that something is the experience of Self as Love. In fact, the whole dramatic betrayal scene has the potential to be exploited, deliberately and strategically, to override or transcend the automatic impulse to hate. Transcendence is accomplished by replacing the hateful thought with a harmless one. When you notice a hateful thought in your mind, you simply change your mind and have a different thought. Since the mind can only hold one thought at a time, a benign, neutral thought is chosen to replace the harmful one. That’s really all there is to it.

It’s not rocket science, which is great because that means everyone can do it. It doesn’t require a counselor. It doesn’t require a set of conditions or steps. You don’t have to express an out loud verbal statement of any kind. For now, you’ll just have to trust me about the hidden power of spiritual forgiveness. Once you try it, you’ll come to self-discover there’s nothing so uplifting and so fulfilling as the intentional experience of Self as Love when the impulse to hate is banging on the door and calling your name. You absolutely need the pressure and leverage of a challenging relationship to bring the love that is your Truth into your life experience. This is how you come to know yourself as a loving being, and it only happens under fire.

Transcending the judgment of badness is not to be confused with passively overlooking the problem that’s in your face, making nice and going with the flow. Here’s how transcendence works using a more tangible example. Let’s say your teenager accidentally forgets to turn off your stove after cooking something, and your house catches on fire and burns down. The correct, most functional and loving action is to solve the problem at hand, which is dealing with your burned down house, but without assigning blame or judgment.

Okay, so first you make sure everyone is safe and you salvage whatever you can. Next you figure out where to temporarily live. Next you submit your insurance claim. Next you talk to your teenager, find out how it happened, and put preventive safety measures in place so it doesn’t happen again. And on and on it goes. These are all active, non-passive steps you take to solve the problem at hand. What’s different is that you’re not making your teenager bad or wrong while you’re at it. See how it works? It’s so subtle you could easily miss it.

Now let’s get back to the dear and wonderful Sandra and Jesse, who do the thankless service of representing us. Sandra has four basic choices. 1) She can whine and complain about what she doesn’t want, which includes obsessing about Jesse’s bad behavior and whether or not she can ever trust him again, and stay married, but unhappily. 2) She can whine and complain about Jesse’s bad behavior, leave him, and be unhappy about the wretchedness of the situation ever after.

3) Alternatively, she can ask Jesse for what she wants, overlook his mistake, and stay married, happily. 4) Or, she can realize she wants something Jesse can’t deliver and leave with no bad feelings. The last two options are the loving, functional and practical choices because they solve the problem, but without judging Jesse or making him bad or wrong.

Philandering is not unique to Jesse James, and yes, he’s a descendent of the famous outlaw with the same name. It’s a persistent problem common to both genders. According to www.infidelityfacts.com, 57% of all married men and 54% of all married women admit to infidelity. Even more revealing, 74% of married men and 68% of married women say they’d most likely have an affair if they knew for sure they wouldn’t get caught. If you’re married, there’s a high probability you’ll either be the one who commits adultery or you’ll be the wronged spouse. You think it can’t happen to you, but the odds say it will. So why the surprise? Why the public scorn and moral outrage?

Disappointment with unfaithful spouses is born from the grown-up fairy tale that love is special and exclusive. Every girl and boy believes there’s a special someone out there, ”just for me,” a soul mate who traveled through time and eternity with the life purpose to have this special love relationship. Our marriage vows add to this by reminding us we are to “forsake all others.” The dream of special love is made stronger and more concrete by one of the most fundamental beliefs about God. Most people, for example, believe that God not only sanctions and blesses exclusive, special limits on love, but that He (and please excuse the writing convention of a male pronoun) mandates or orders this limit on love.

Even more, the 7th Commandment from the Christian and Jewish traditions explicitly prohibits adultery. This is widely interpreted and accepted as a rule given to us directly from God, which makes adultery the worst kind of sin, the kind that puts you in hell forever. Yet we already know that love does not judge. So if you believe, like I do, that God is love and only love, then His judgment of our badness or wrongness is not possible. Instead of damnation and suffering, we are instead asked to be “in his image,” which is another way of saying we are asked to love in the way that He loves.

God’s love shines on a Mother Teresa and a Charles Manson equally. It’s a love without limits or conditions of any kind. It’s a love that is for free. God is not concerned if we love Him back. And we cannot strike a bargain with Him to make ourselves more worthy of His love or to get more love for ourselves. God’s love shines like the sun. We can block it. We can ignore it. We can deny it. But we cannot turn it off or influence it in any way.

Awakening to the realization that love is not special does not have to be a terrible, unwanted experience of pain, suffering and humiliation, but is usually perceived that way. Consequently, no one willingly wants to wake up. No one. Not even me. This is why public transgressors like Jesse James and others are so vigorously condemned and forced to conform. It keeps the dream going a little longer. I’m not suggesting we throw out our social and religious conventions and indulge the urge to have extra marital affairs whenever an opportunity presents itself. What I am suggesting, however, is that the time has come to reconsider the harsh and extreme judgment of badness that’s assigned to people who make marriage mistakes.

You’ve probably made a marriage mistake just like this, too. So what? Forgive yourself. Forgive your spouse. We all make mistakes as we figure out how to bop along through life. Forgiveness, which is the transcendence of hate in the mind, is always appropriate. Forget everything you think you know about forgiveness and replenish your empty heart with an uncompromisingly spiritual way of thinking that will leave you renewed. Tune out the well-intentioned, good-looking media-savvy counselors and others who do not understand the path of Love. They will lead you wrongly.

Put your faith in the miracle of Love. Every problem is solved through Love. Listen to your heart, not to me. Love is the only thing that really matters – especially love of self.

AUTHOR BIO: Karen Bentley specializes in writing about the power of Love and the mind-body-spirit connection. She’s the author of The Book of Love, America’s Spiritual Reviewer, the My Thin Lifestyle Reviewer, and the creator of The Sugar-Free Miracle™ Diet System.
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Is your forgiveness social or spiritual?