After reading and working through The Millionaire Messenger by Brendon Burchard a lightbulb (or three!) went off. Suddenly I was knee-deep in an idea that will change my life. The idea isn’t a new one, really. I just didn’t believe in myself enough to allow the idea to blossom into its potential. But the books I’ve read and the conversations I’ve had with three experts and two friends woke me up to how silly I was being.

I cannot emphasize enough how crucial CLARITY is to positive change and growth. Only when you get clear – I mean really clear – on exactly what it is you want, can life show you the way. And only with LASER FOCUS are you able to use that clarity to stay on the path to get where it is you truly want to be.

Enough of the rah rah talk :-) The point is, I’m planning big changes for my life and those changes will affect the purpose, content and design of this site. I hope you will enjoy the changes and I look forward to your feedback as I begin rolling them out.

So if you don’t see me on here very often the next few months, don’t worry; I’m not giving up on the dreams or passions I’ve rambled about for years. Exactly the opposite: I’m making those dreams and passions my life’s focus.

And I hope you are doing the same thing :D

P.S. It’s true what “they” say about TV being a HUGE time suck. I cancelled Dish Network in January 2011 and saw an immediate increase in productivity for my business; my attention’s been redirected to reading which, I believe, is directly related to my finding much-needed clarity and focus; and my procrastination has decreased by at least 75% (that’s a big deal for me).

Photo credit: Burt Johnson

So I took advantage of the solar-powered motivation to:

• catch up on three baskets of laundry;
• finish the first draft of a short story;
• outline 15 blog posts;
• troubleshoot the missed schedule problem on my blog – none of the solutions have worked…yet;
• begin the inventory of my personal library that I’ve wanted to do for two years;
• begin a painting project with my daughter – I’m no painter but it’s still fun;
• discuss classic literature with my daughter and order our first set of “complete book with study guide” for such gems as Frankenstein and Great Expectations. She also wants to read Shakespeare and she selected Hamlet and A Midsummer Night’s Dream to get started there. Oh, and she begged for H.G. Wells and Jules Verne so, of course, I caved and ordered a box set and Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, respectively.

Plus, there was time for movies – yay!

• Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010) – Jake Gyllenhaal can do no wrong in my eyes! But I’d put this movie off for a very long time because I just wasn’t expecting much. It was a pleasant surprise to say the least. Great entertainment and, for its genre, did everything it was supposed to.
• The Disappeared (2008) – I found the pace just a tad slow but Harry Treadaway’s performance kept me connected. And while the story’s been done before, I wasn’t bored. Oh, and Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy from the Harry Potter films) did a fine job; although, it caught me a little off guard to hear him drop the f-bomb. It’s still hard to believe he’s an adult.
• Blackout (2008) – The less you read about this one, the better. It’s a psychological thriller with some splashes of horror that will probably leave you in the middle of the road as far as overall rating. I’ve seen many “people trapped in an elevator” or “people locked in a room” type flicks so I walked away from this one feeling just okay about it. I’m curious if the book on which it’s based, by Gianluca Morozzi, is better.

Overall, a peaceful yet productive weekend. The time sucks I’ve allowed to creep in the last six months are being eliminated. (Turn off your cable or satellite and you’ll see just how much you’re capable of getting done!) And progress is being made on my goal to finish one story before going on to the next. Good times!

Are you feeling the effects of winter?

Do you find you have [more, less, the same] productivity in the winter?

Photo credit: Sergey Soldatov

While there are many possibilities and opportunities to come in 2011, don’t forget to slow down and be present right now. This day has so much to offer as long as you remember to stay in the now and count your blessings.

So to all my family and friends, have a very happy celebration today! Stay warm, stay safe and enjoy those priceless moments with your loved ones, for they are far too short.

Photo credit: Liberty Films
[IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE is my all-time favorite movie, ever!]

Recent events have forced me to contemplate a major source of conflict in relationships: jealousy. It’s crazy the extent to which some people will go to feel in control of the person they love. From my experience, the tighter hold you feel you need on your partner, the less hold you have on the relationship.

And I’ve also learned that jealousy stems from one person’s insecurities, fears, doubts, baggage, etc. and very often has nothing to do with their partner. Yes, partners can be the trigger, but you always have a choice in how you react.

“The more incomplete we feel, the more obsessed we become with owning someone on whom we’ve projected all our missing qualities, hence the more jealous we become.” – Gloria Steinem

Now, don’t get me wrong, I was a jealous chick in my late teens, early twenties. But I outgrew that useless emotion and refuse to shake hands with the fiendish brute ever again. Why?

Jealousy is a complete and total time suck. (Just like worry and guilt.)

It does not make you feel better and it certainly doesn’t solve any problems. Once I figured out how pointless it is to “What if…” all the time, to second-guess my worth in a relationship, I felt tons lighter (emotionally) and free for the first time. There was no longer an overwhelming drive to know everyone my partner talked to, where they went, what they did – I just trusted that things were on the up and up – I respected my partner enough to give him space to breathe, live, have fun without me. For the first time I knew and believed that I was worth being with and, if he was smart enough to see that, then everything would work out.

“The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.”

Why waste valuable time wondering, sneaking, trolling, second-guessing when you can simply talk about your concerns with your partner? What? You can’t talk to each other? Then why the hell are you married or committed to that person in the first place? Fundamental compatibility seems to be grossly overlooked in today’s relationships.

“Why do people persist in a dissatisfying relationship, unwilling either to work toward solutions or end it and move on? It’s because they know changing will lead to the unknown, and most people believe that the unknown will be much more painful than what they’re already experiencing.”

The key to a relationship’s success, in my humble opinion, hinges upon:

- Trust

- Communication

- Respect

Without those three attributes as the foundation for your relationship, you’re in for a bumpy ride. And I haven’t even taken into account the fundamental compatibility and emotional baggage you both bring to the table, which will inevitably affect your ability to maintain that foundation. In other words, until you are the best you possible (or are consistently working to become that improved person), and you love who you are, then no partner will ever live up to your standards, they will never be able to enjoy being with you, and you will most certainly push them away with your behavior.

“Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point – that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative – self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it’s a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.” – Jennifer James

Do you get jealous? What triggers it?

(This doesn’t mean only romantic relationships. It could also be work, friends, etc.)

It boggles the mind. Of course, I’m surprised that men are repelled by my “single mom” status. My daughter and I are cool chicks; they’d be lucky to have us. But honestly, how can people not like cats? They’re furry. They’re fairly independent. They know when to snuggle and when to leave you the eff alone. And they’re wicked hilarious. Not liking cats is ridiculous. It is like not liking chocolate, or games (www.partypoker.com), or holidays. There just isn’t a good explanation. Or if there is, I’ve yet to hear it.

I’ve heard cats are “sneaky” or “evil,” which I totally don’t get. I guess I’ll never understand.

Anywho, below are the female felines who own me. Yes, I am their loyal manservant and will be for the 20 or 30 years they’ll bless me with their presence.

By the by, if you happen to know of a single, cute, honest, funny, optimistic man who loves kids, cats, and horror movies give me a shout. My social life could definitely use some testosterone.

Baby

Real Name: Francis
Age: 13 years
Likes: String; Hands dragged across the bed
Dislikes: Most cats; Water bowls

Baby is the newest member of my household but she’s been in our family the longest. My parents gave her to my sister about three years ago and my sister gave her to me in, I think it was, November 2009. She’s gettin’ up there in the years but she has the spunk of a kitten. I often wake up to her rubbing her face against mine in an effort to get first dibs on my attention that day.

Fatty

Real Name: Isabella
Age: 10 years
Likes: Shoes; Sunbaths
Dislikes: Invasion of her personal space; Hairballs

Fatty used to be known as Izzie but over the years her love of all things edible has landed her in the “fluffy” weight zone. Lucky for her, black is very slimming. My sister snatched her up from my cousin, who was going to dump her somewhere, and promptly delivered her to my home. She’s been in my little family (Elysia and I) the longest and is, without a doubt, my favorite but don’t tell anyone. It took her a couple years to forgive me for allowing “the others” in our home but she’s finally adjusted and regained her attitude.

Rosie (Elysia also calls her McMac Fluff Tail)

Real Name: Rosalina
Age: 3 years (approximate)
Likes: Feathers; High locations; Anything dangerous
Dislikes: Cats in heat; Being held; Salmon

Rosie showed up on my mom’s doorstep in the spring of 2008 so my mom called to see if I wanted her. Obviously, I did. The most laid back cat I’ve ever met in my entire life, she isn’t bothered by any of the cats in her space except when they’re in heat. Then she smacks the crap outta them. For some reason if there’s anything dangerous anywhere in the house she’ll find it and attempt to play with it: tacks, nails, beads, you get the idea. She’s also pigeon-toed and watching her run is super funny but I try to laugh in another room so she doesn’t get a complex.

Peeny

Real Name: Seraphina
Age: 2 years
Likes: Cardboard; Mice; Getting her head scratched like a dog; Sniffing butts
Dislikes: Strangers; Having her ears cleaned; Dry cat food

Peeny is what happens when you go to the Humane Society on your birthday with the idea that if they have an orange kitten (Elysia wanted an orange kitty) you’re going to adopt her. It just so happens she was the only kitten at the Humane Society that day and she was orange. Coincidence? I think not. But she’s also what happens when you push your luck. I’ve never had a cat like her, ever. She’s psycho. I think being in the cage damaged her somehow. Elysia is more her human than I am; however, Peeny has her sweet moments and she makes me laugh a lot.

Squeaker

Real Name: Esmerelda
Age: 2 years
Likes: Laser lights; Bouncy balls; Plastic lids
Dislikes: Dakota (see below); Touching her belly

Yeah, Squeaker is what happens when you go with your mom to help her pick up a new kitten via Freecycle. She clung to my chest, looked up at me and meowed, and I couldn’t give her back, could I? Probably the runt of the litter, she hates being held like a baby and detests people who rub her belly. She’s very aware of her weight gain, thank you very much. She goes crazy over the laser light and jumps close to four feet in the air in an attempt to catch it.

Dakota

Real Name: Dakota (Named so because I loved Dakota Skye)
Age: 9 months (approximate)
Likes: Rosie (see above); Playing of any kind
Dislikes: Most people; Loud noises

In September 2009, while on my way to the store a flash of black and white caught my eye. I pulled over to the side of the road, ran across the road to the field, and there she was — tiny (no more than 12 weeks old), severely under weight and scared to death. I promised her a better life and she came home with me. With some food and TLC, she’s a regular little kitten. She loves “the others” and, despite going through puberty and having to deal with being in heat, she plays nonstop.

FYI: All of my cats are rescues as I do not buy animals from pet stores. They’re indoors 24/7 because, well, I think that’s where domestic cats should be. And all of my kitties are spayed except two. My budget is tight right now but as soon as I have the extra $300 I’ll be getting Squeaker and Dakota spayed.

Why do you think so many people dislike cats?

One of the jobs as my daughter’s mother and teacher is to do my best to answer all her questions.

Sometimes that’s easy: “Mom, who was the 24th president again?”

And sometimes it’s not so easy: “Mom, why don’t people see how important it is to help each other?”

But I always answer honestly with as much factual information as possible in addition to my personal thoughts.

By the way, she’s currently 10 1/2 years old.

During a conversation on Wednesday of this week, we somehow stumbled on religion, which is not one of my favorite subjects and my daughter knows it. She believes in God, while I take more of a…scientific approach. However, she knows I respect her beliefs and I encourage her to pursue what she feels is right for her life.

“Mom, why can’t a person believe whatever they want to believe?”

“A person can believe whatever they want to believe, but if they want to belong to a particular religion, generally, they have to follow whatever it is that religion dictates as the ‘truth’.”

Her face scrunched up with disapproval. “Well, I think no matter if you’re German, Christian or Catholic, you should be accepted for what you believe and everyone should just accept each other.”

Did she just say “German” was a religion? I snorted with laughter.

She was immediately defensive. “What! What did I say?”

Fighting back my laughter, I explained, “I’m not laughing at you, honey. I’m happy you’re so sweet and your good heart wants everyone to love each other and just accept each other.”

“Yeah, okay, so why did you laugh?”

“Uh, why do you think Germans are a religion? You know Germans are people who live in Germany, right?” This time I masked the amusement by turning my face away from her.

“Of course! It’s like, a culture. I just didn’t know what people in Germany had as their religion and I thought they should be included.”

An in-depth conversation about the many other religions in the world followed, one I’m sure we’ll have several more times throughout her life, but her initial response really cracked me up.

I just love the purity of kids, their thoughts and the questions that pop into their heads. Why she didn’t think to say the French or the Italians or the Chinese, I don’t know. For some reason Germans were first in her mind.

I hope you get a little chuckle out of just one example of the funny comments I enjoy on a daily basis. And I learned over the years to write down her questions and comments. That way I could always remember them. I urge you to do the same because childhood flies by so fast you could get whiplash.

What’s the funniest thing your kid or a relative’s kid ever said or asked you?

First, a little background. Dimples (the nickname I gave my boyfriend for blogging purposes) hasn’t had too many serious relationships. Ours is only his second. He’s 34 years old, never married, no children. He told me on our third date he’s never been in love, and he’s never told a woman he loves her, other than his mum and dog. So in his defense, I knew from the beginning he had some sort of issue with relationships and love. But who doesn’t, right? He once told me he didn’t think love was necessary for a successful marriage. He said respect was more important.

We’ve dated for a year. We did have a three week “break” in there when we agreed to split because things felt off between us. I initiated the break up. It was mainly because…well, that’s not really relevant right now. After three weeks, we talked and we decided to give it another try. My point is, we’ve been dating for nearly a year. His actions, for the most part, probably about 75% of the time, show me he cares a lot about me.

For instance, my daughter and I stay over at his house a few nights a week and he stays with us once a week. I’ve met his family and he’s met mine (a little more than just met them, eh, Dimples? *winks*). He’s dropped “when we live together…” during our conversations. He’s also told me before that he sees no reason why we’d break up. He left work to take me to the hospital when I was sick in March (Who knew? Vertigo isn’t just a movie.) and he stayed with me 90% of the time I was in there. When we’re laying on the couch watching a movie, he’ll notice my bare feet and cover them up with his blanket. He offers to help me with everything, even to the point of driving me crazy, but I love that about him, and I appreciate it every time he helps me with something despite my protests not to.

Neither of us is really romantic or anything. I appreciate romance but I don’t require it in a relationship. I think romance is just an easy way to show someone how much they mean to you. When you’re the recipient of romantic gestures, it feels fabulous! But we’ve never been like that with each other. Unless you count the numerous times he’s surprised me with Susie Qs? Simple pleasures :-) I know I restrain my romantic side with him simply because I know he’s not a romantic person. I’m stalling. What was I saying? Oh yeah, I see signs that he does in fact care about me and my daughter. They’re not usually huge, flashing signs, but they are there. Or am I assigning meaning where there isn’t any?

Right. Moving along then to the reason I’m writing today–I told Dimples I loved him on Saturday for the first time. Should I include the date? Or would that girlify me too much? HA!

We’d had a fabulous weekend together. Lots of fun activities, lots of laughter, and lots of mind-blowing . . . conversation. Double HA! It was about 3:00 AM, he gave me a good night kiss, and I perpetuated a private joke we had going that night. He laughed. I felt very content and in the moment so I went with my heart and said, “Hey, just for the record, I love you.” Where the eff my head was at, I have no idea, but it’s lucky I can’t fire its ass for letting my heart fly solo at that particular moment. I thought I’d vomit as soon as the last word was out of my mouth, but luckily, I didn’t.

He responded with “Awww!” and kissed me. We snuggled together.

Everything was cool for about 90 seconds then, breaking the heaviest silence I’d ever felt,  he dropped a bomb. “I feel like such an ass.”

“Why?” I asked even though I knew exactly where he was going.

“Because I can’t say it back.”

Ouch! Yep, my worst fear realized. We talked a little more. He tried to explain his position, “It’s not that I don’t love you…I just want to be really sure before I say it…I care a lot about you,” and so on. Then he fell asleep. I couldn’t sleep. [CORRECTION on 9/17/09 at 12:57 AM: Dimples informed me that he was, in fact, not asleep, but awake and unable to sleep just like me. In my loyalty to accuracy, I felt compelled to add this tidbit of information.]

When he woke up the next day, there was something different between us. We both sensed it. I felt so . . . alone and very stupid. I tend to over-think things and all I kept asking myself was, “How can he not know if he loves me or not? If he’s unsure how he feels about me, then there’s really no stability in our relationship, right?” He had plans to go to a soccer game that day, which he kept. I was a wreck all day long. I cried for the majority of it, wondering if I’d wasted my time (and heart) on someone who didn’t love me. By the end of Sunday night, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to have some answers. I called him and I requested he come over so we could talk.

The talk went well. I was able to hold back most of my tears. I don’t know if our talk was productive but I felt like we were both hearing the other person’s position and caring what the other person had to say. I love that he’s a calm listener. I asked him direct questions to which he responded with direct answers. I asked him:

• If he was serious about me
• If he wanted to live together someday in the near future
• If he had strong feelings for me

All of which he answered “yes” and his face looked so genuine and sincere. His body language told me he wasn’t lying. He apologized over and over for hurting me. He said he wished he could say it back. I believed him and I told him so. There was one thing he said though that is still confusing me. When I asked him if he wants to be with me or break up, he replied, “I don’t want to hurt you. I want to be with you but I don’t want you to be hurting all the time.” Does that mean he never expects to be able to tell me he loves me?

I told him I forgave him for the hurt. I told him I would do my best to look forward and not concentrate on the fact that he can’t tell me he loves me. Gawd, writing that feels like someone’s pinching my heart and at the same time covering my mouth so I can’t breathe. He agreed to give me the reassurance I need in other ways since the whole “I love you” thing is off the table. But I haven’t seen him since Monday morning. I haven’t talked to him since then either. We’ve only texted and nothing from him that gives me the impression he misses me or wants to see me. I had to ask him yesterday if he wanted to get together before Friday. He said he was thinking Thursday but he didn’t give me anything concrete.

It feels like I’m getting the cold shoulder and I don’t know if he’s distancing himself or what. Yep, I might drown in all this reassurance. Sorry. I get sarcastic when I’m hurt. It’s a flaw, one of many. Perhaps I’m just over-thinking again since the pain is so near the surface. *sighs*

How do I get past this?

Is it okay that he cannot tell me he loves me?

Do I have to hear the words “I love you” to know someone loves me? Or do I only have to pay attention to their actions in order to determine their true feelings and intentions?

Which of the following is true?

If a guy is doing one thing and saying another, always believe what he’s doing.

OR

If a guy says he can’t tell you he loves you, it’s because he doesn’t love you.

I guess if I knew he loved me, and he just couldn’t vocalize it, then I would feel pretty damn secure in our relationship. But if he absolutely does not love me, I want to freakin’ know. I’m afraid he won’t tell me the truth about his feelings until he’s ready to break up with me. You know, have his cake and eat it too type of situation.

Welp, I did it. I wrote it all out for the world (and Dimples) to read. Thank you to anyone who actually read my entire post. And an extra special “thank you” to anyone who not only read it but didn’t point and laugh. I hope I didn’t sound irrational or unreasonable. I just needed to vent. I have no idea what to do.

The fact is I do love him.

So what would you do?

A poet, I am not. I wrote this today whilst trying not to react to the desperate jabs of my ex-boyfriend’s broken heart. I’m beginning to think he will never learn how to truly let go of something and move on. He holds onto his hurts like a collection of knick knacks–he arranges them all neatly on shelves, he can recall when and how he acquired each one, he dusts them off so they stay clean and like new, and each one defines who he is. It’s really one of the saddest things I’ve ever witnessed.

He has so much potential, but he allows all of his baggage to define and direct his life rather than taking active control of where his path leads. He’s constantly looking at what’s happened (the past) or what he’s lost. How depressing is that? I prefer to look at what could happen (the future) and what I still have, and this strategy has gotten me through painful experiences by shifting the focus away from the negative and toward all the positives in my life.

He says this latest jab was an effort to show me what is wrong with me so I can decide whether I want to change or fix those things. Yeah, I’m going to take advice from someone who couldn’t see themselves if they were standing in front of a mirror. I will not be torn apart by the observations of someone who, for the majority of his 29 years, only experienced life through books and film. Yes, reading Sex for Dummies will teach you about dating, relationships and sex. But knowledge isn’t the same thing as experience.

He wrote that he had some very serious things to tell me but he couldn’t take it if I replied. He went on to write that a response to his e-mails wasn’t even necessary. Yep, that’s someone in touch with the dynamics of a relationship. Once you’ve experienced a wide range of what life has to offer, then I’ll listen to your observations on how I can improve as a person. Until you’re operating as an active person in society, I’m deaf to your words.

I see me. All of me. I know what I love about myself and I know what I detest. I will never change for anyone but me. No one will ever make me happy. No one will ever ruin my life. I think it actually disappointed him that I could live happily without him in my life. He never understood, and probably never will, that everyone should be able to live happily ever after by themselves. If you can’t, well, I’ve learned there’s something deep inside you that won’t ever allow you to be happy with someone else or love and be loved in the way you deserve. I’ve done a lot of personal growth throughout my 31 years. And I plan to continue that growth, hopefully on a daily basis.

I do not hate him. I do not feel much for him at all after the e-mails he sent this week. Not because of what he said, but for the fact that he refused to respect the boundaries we put in place when our relationship ended. He’s probably still checking my MySpace account and this blog on a daily basis. I asked him repeatedly not to write, yet he continued. All that shows me is he has a total lack of respect for boundaries and he is totally ignorant in how to handle his emotions when he’s hurt–neither of which is appealing or reassuring.

I hope he’ll find himself sooner than later, and I hope he achieves all of the potential I see in him. But I will not play along with the story he’s writing for himself on the topic of our relationship. Negativity is contagious and I’m putting him in quarantine. Misery loves company too much to let someone who’s happy, just be.

That’s why he and I, as lovers and as friends, are finished. I’ve known him for about five years so writing those words is a little sad. However, I know this is the right decision for both of us. If he could just see and accept that this could be one of the best things for him…